I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
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Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn鈥檛, doug
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
[Texts to 14]
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it鈥檚 a joke Leonard. Calm down.
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 馃槈
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
This is so me 馃槀馃槀
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work