How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
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Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
Holy shit he’s back
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Love is in the air fryer.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.