If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
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Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
*watches the world burn*
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.