[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
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Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything