When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
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why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!