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The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.