In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
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Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
(2022)
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up