One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
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At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?