The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
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Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
Happy Friday
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
Peace was never an option
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money