Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
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You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.