My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
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The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
Godzilla was the first house flipper.