GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
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I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
I hope google does well on my son’s test
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…