If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
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Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part