My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
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In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes