I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
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[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.