Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
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The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.