me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
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Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?