satan: not today, microsoft teams
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I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no