Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
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the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!