My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
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Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
Does this dress make me look cat?
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.