They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
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Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
Love this guy
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
I’m giving up for Lent.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest