Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
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The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
bears
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.