If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
You Might Also Like
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
This kid is going places
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before