Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
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Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
In case you needed to hear it:
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”