ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
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Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
March 16
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir