I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
You Might Also Like
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
Liquor Store Parking
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do