Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
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watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
no their not
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
shit, they caught us—run!!!