Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
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Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose