Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
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I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
Smooooooth
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.