Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
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*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.