by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
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4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
This checks out
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings