Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
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upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
Omg 🤣
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…