3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
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In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.
The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???