Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
You Might Also Like
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba