Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
You Might Also Like
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
Ha
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.