My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
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If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
Time heals everything 🙂
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.