Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
You Might Also Like
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
For anyone who needs this today
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!