Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
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[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
⚠️ Important Reminder:
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
hackers play passwordle
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée