Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
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You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city