Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
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Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia