lol
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A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.