“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
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“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
Isn’t
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”