Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
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*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.