Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
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Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
I’m having an out of money experience.
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
Me trying to reach for my goals
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.