Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
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Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale