There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
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Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.