7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
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GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard