If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
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Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
can you read it!!??
maan!
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?