7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
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You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.