Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
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People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
What the hell happened here.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!